Write a book on being bored: Grandpa Bob’s Book of Ennui. Write about learning to live on less. Write about failed attempts at hobbies and online businesses. Write about how no one calls you anymore. Write about the vast empty desert space of your life ahead of you. Write about letting yourself go. Write about being so bored you write posts like this one for your blog that nobody reads.
Take up smoking. Lung cancer takes years to develop and by then some other illness may kill you anyway. Start small with nicotine gum then work your way up to patches before you enjoy your first cigarette. Only do this if your body can take it. Consult your doctor before undertaking this adventure and watch him have a conniption.
Take up gardening. Grow rare weeds. Big nasty ones. Import weed seeds from all over the world and destroy the local flora. If people can import boa constrictors, why can’t you import non-indigenous weed plants? Be prepared for an invigorating fight with your neighbors, the homeowner’s association, and city health inspectors.
Join your local neighborhood watch program or homeowner’s association and make an absolute fascist ass of yourself by constantly meddling with other people’s business. Study how to anonymously stab people in the back while smiling to their faces. Or just be a mean bastard and openly show them how tough you are. Either way, make sure you go home with a feeling of self-righteous victory for proving that small minds can win after all.
Install surveillance cameras everywhere. Have video doorbells that yell at kids to stay off your lawn and scare the shit out of people delivering food for your neighbors. Install super bright lights with motion detectors that turn night into day every time cars drive by. Record everything and watch old recordings when your favorite TV show goes off the air after 60 years. Always sit in the dark with only a small lamp to keep you company.
Become a Karen. Start fights with your neighbors about trees growing over property lines, parking slots, mailbox decorum, flying flags, trash cans, food smells, and Christmas decorations. Don’t forget to call the police promptly at 10:00 pm to shut down neighborhood parties and trick or treating. If you are good at this, you may become the star in a YouTube video created by a neighbor or innocent bystander. Study how to become a professional narcissist.
Practice yelling at the TV. It is a highly effective way to get your cardio with the added bonus of letting those assholes and idiots on TV know how opinionated you are without having to fear any repercussions. It’s like being a Karen in Karen Paradise. You can be as loud and ornery as you want. This only works if you live alone or have a deaf partner. Otherwise prepare to have screaming matches with your partner over a) which channels to watch, and b) what is wrong with this country. This includes topics such as politics (a favorite), the weather, sports, and young people and their music, hair, tattoos, and how uneducated they are (not their fault).